Ordinary Belief
Do I want to be a Saint?
I, like most of you probably try and have a devotional practice each day – some of you will do the Rosary, maybe some others the Examen, maybe you follow a Bible in the Year app or podcast. However I have to admit that as much as I intend on doing all these things I rather come up short. During Advent, for instance, I had decided to do the Memento Mori devotion. An excellent devotional that I have gotten a lot out of in the past. However, the more I wanted to follow the daily devotion, the more I didn’t. Generally, the more I want to do holy things, the more I do not do holy things - (Romans 7). Obviously I chide myself and wave the inner finger at the adolescent faith-drive that seems to pootle along oblivious to the world around it. My inner deflection trick is to respond first in neglect, then obliviousness and then finally God’s graces kick in and a little dim light like when you first strike a match comes into view.
However, I have recently found my go-to pull-me-out-of-the-quick-sand help is The Comedians Prayer Book by Frank Skinner. Skinner, a well-known comedian and radio presenter wrote the book following his own limping path in the faith. It is not a dazzling conversion story, it is not supposed to be theological or pedagogical; it’s simply him trying to follow God. Lately I have found some of his entries rather challenging and thought I would share one.
He was speaking about eternity and mused that although he could not call himself a Saint, he shouldn’t be seen as someone who could take his place at the ‘dark destroyers table’. He was average, okay, not too good but not too bad either. Heaven assured? I should also just at this point clear up what I mean by Saint. St Paul in Colossians refers to the Christians there as ‘saints’. The Catechism affirms that all the baptised are saints, but again, St Paul also references the ‘Saints in the light’. This is obviously to do with those who have been canonised by the Church because they are in heaven with God. It is this usage of the word I am referring to.
As I ruminated on what he said a question struck me; am I trying to be a Saint? In my spiritual life have I set myself up to be a Saint? I love Padre Pio – do I really want to be him though? The Church teaches that we can all become Saints and that there is nothing better because to be a Saint is to be close to God. It is to love not the world but Him alone. I am not talking about the desire to be canonized or be in a litany but about walking with God, being holy because He is holy.
However, if I am honest; I do not want to be a Saint like Padre Pio. Not really. I like the idea for instance of St Catherine of Siena but not the reality. I love watching French crime dramas but struggle with the rosary. I quite often commit the modern malady of scrolling – reading about Lionel Messi or calligraphy or anything can seem to be more interesting than reading the Bible or, God forbid – praying!
I think part of this is something that Frank Skinner was getting at – am not too bad, am not amazing but I’d probably at least end up in purgatory, can’t hope for more eh? Jesus was right to say the life of following Him is a cost, for a start it might not end up feeling as amazing as the blockbuster accounts of the lives of Saints. St Catherine of Siena is a bulwark of the Church in regards her forceful action to protect the Church from sin. That is exciting, I could live for that! Her long painful death is less inviting to me however. The holiness of some of Scotland’s Saints like St Comgan is inspiring – austerity, poverty, living in a hut, praying always - no access to French crime dramas...hmmm.
Is there an answer to this indifference? Is it the fear of being a bore? Ostracised by family and friends as we watch them do and say things the greedy Labrador inside us wants to do as well? Or can we justify ourselves like Adam and Eve with something that is good and maybe persuade ourselves it’s just as good as Him? Maybe the answer lies in this quote; “Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.”
No one really knows who said it but there is a truth in it – we are looking for something to fulfil our desires, we are flattered by sin to think therein lies our God, our truth. But we already know it won’t bring us satisfaction precisely because it is our projection of divinity and not the divinity. It is like the endless scrolling and late night binge watching – a hollow significance.
I’d like to end this with a high (they tell you that you should do that) but apart from the fact I do not intend on visiting a Brothel I know that lives are messy, that the lives of Saint’s are inspiring but we should be aware that they were as human as we are and when a life is compiled and analysed the sticky and pointy bits can be missed or eroded.
I am also not Padre Pio or St Comgan, I was not put on the earth to be a copy. When we read the Bible and the history of the Church we find a wonderful diversity of people that suggests my route to potential Sainthood is on a path I can walk on and from where I am now. If I ever do get a Vita they may well miss out that I watched murky goings on in Paris or the twitter thread on the troubles facing my beloved Liverpool FC that I pour over, however; it could open up some humorous patron possibilities!